Healing

I really should have started back doing this a while ago. Please know that my lack of posting here wasn't for lack of gratitude, it was for a lack of regular Internet access and lack of any sense of normalcy in my life.

Divorce is... well it's tough, and there's  no way around that. Thankfully I've crossed a bunch of the hurdles and come out stronger and more confident on the other side.

I've still got some stuff to deal with though, like this stupid sprained shoulder I got at work. My work has been wonderful of course, I work for some really good people. The real trouble with it isn't the pain, because I can take pain, it's the emotional side, feeling useless, feeling like I don't contribute my fair share.

I went to Physical Therapy for the first time the other day and left feeling hopeful. I spend so much time thinking can't can't can't because of the work limitations the Doctor set that thinking can is so nice. I CAN do 20 reps of this without a problem. I CAN move certain directions without pain.

I mean, I have to ice afterward and Tylenol is... well not my best friend, because I've got some rocking friends, but my frustration level is much lower.

Father, thank you for healing, and those that heal. Thank you for the times that I have helped others heal, and thank you for the Masterful healing you have sent into my life.

Love notes from God

You know, I've had some hard days. I've had some hard weeks. I've had some hard years. I don't know how long this current hard time is going to last, but I'm just focused on enduring it well.
I have a lot of help in this too, becuase God keeps sending me love notes. I keep getting just the message I need at that moment, through the scriptures, through books, through friends (my angels.)
Today, for example, God sent a note through a friend and got it to me right before Sacrament meeting started. She spoke a simple verse, and I don't know if she even knew what it would mean to me because I don't think she even knows the extent of my trial, but she knew she needed to say it in that moment and I will always be thankful that she was God's postman today.
Thank you, Lord, for the love note. Message recieved. Love you.

So tired

My husband is on another business trip. We had to get up really early this morning to get him to the airport before church. Then we rushed home to get ready for church, but made it in plenty of time. I'm going to write this and head to bed.

Lord, thank you for his job. So many are out of work, so many have struggled so hard, and we have been immeasurably blessed in our job security.
Lord, thank you for the kids being good in church today, it was an unexpected blessing to have all three of them so sleepy, but also so good.
Lord, thank you for helping me with my temper this week. I still have a long way to go, but I did better.
Lord, thank you for that little frog last night, he was just so cute.
Lord, thank you for the dog finally learning frogs don't taste good too, it's so sweet to see that he is growing up.
Lord, thank you for Maider and Nkaujzoo and their enthusiastic support.
Lord, thank you for my gifts.
Lord, thank you for helping me turn out as someone with good self esteem, even if I get a little big headed at times.
Lord, thank you for raspberry vinaigrette, and how yummy it is in a salad with strawberries and blueberries.
Lord, thank you for continuing to sustain Kelley through her illness so that she might do so much good.
Lord, thank you for the Tadlocks and the way they care for me and I for them.
Lord, thank you for my health. I take if for granted, but I am so very blessed.
Lord, thank you for the kids doing so well on the End of Grade tests.
Lord, thank you for helping me get that schedule written.
Lord, thank you for being my rock amid the churning sea of life. I know I can always count on you.

Lima beans and other things

I'm tired, I should have been in bed ages ago, but I'm not, and I'm feeling reflective, so let's see what comes out.

First off, I will admit that I'm re-using here. A bunch of us are having a long spiritual discussion, and this faithful brother posted about Alma's parable of the seed. So, this was my response:

So funny you should post this today. I have very black thumbs. I'm a natural born plant killer.

However, we've been doing that Lima bean in a bag with a paper towel thing at work with the kids. I started one, then a week later started another and so on.

I was shocked at how much bigger it was in just a week, it had nearly doubled in size. It soaked up so much water, and had grown so much in a short time. In the next few days it already had a little root. I was so excited to see it.

Now it has a stem that is over an inch long, and it's just amazing to see how much growth can come from just a little care, a little warmth, a little bit of water, a little time.

It makes me so sad to think of how often we deprive our testimonies of that. We grow cold, or we dry up, or we get impatient. Then we want to blame God for not making our seed grow, when what have we given it?

We need to cultivate our testimonies, we really do. We need to put them in a safe, sunny, moist, place. We need to not block out the things they need. We need to be patient and understand that growth takes time, and that it's a miracle each time it happens.

Yes Lord, for the first time in my life I am thankful for Lima beans.Thank you for what they have brought to me.

Lord, I would also like to thank you for that thread, it's so nice to have a safe place to share my spiritual thoughts.

Lord, thank you for writing too. I'd say I'd be lost without it, but I've rather proven that fact recently, being between books. Those short stories may not be much, but the process of writing them fills me and calms me so much.

Speaking of calm, it was unsettling to read those verses in the bible, so unexpectedly after all this "Rapture" stuff. The way you spoke peace so powerfully to my soul during my prayer, well it was unspeakably beautiful. I don't need to know when, and really, I'm not even going to pull out revelations and try to figure it out right now, because I trust you. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Lord, thank you that my brother graduated this week. He needs this success, and he needs to be out in the world. I'm so proud of him, and I know you are too. Thank you for all the help thou hast sent him along the way.

Thank you Lord that my kids rooms were clean already so I didn't have to make them clean them today.

Lord, than you for reminding me that I needed to buy socks, the situation was getting dire.

Lord, thank you for Adele's success. I know this has little to do with me, but it is so nice to see a chubby woman at the top of the charts. It really is. Please help her handle the success well.

I am very behind

Sad how short a time it has taken me to get to the tri-monthly post habit.
Sigh.
I'm just so blah right now, I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this, but I'll try.

I'm thankful for my church. I attended three "Praise and Worship" meetings at a camp this weekend and Sacrament Meeting with three wiggly kids is more powerful and spirit-filled for me.

Lord, thank you for the gentle glow of the spirit that I know so well.

I got to perform at Campfire. The thing about that kind of camp is that they don't ever jeer or boo, so a standing ovation was almost guaranteed. I'm not sure what they really thought about "Jesus Street" but being up there and singing my heart out while a hundred people clap out a beat was very nice. I don't get to perform often.

Lord, thank you for getting to perform in such a good environment.

I just had rice in my burrito. I don't know why that makes burritos so much better, but it does.

Lord, thank you for rice in my burritos.

The dreaded End of Grade Tests begin tomorrow for my older two. They are worried. I'm not really worried. I sure do appreciate not having homework for either of them though.

Lord, thank you for a night off of homework, for two of them at least.

I filled out the paperwork for my kids to go to summer camp at work this summer.

Lord, thank you for options that will get my kids out of the house so they don't keep waking up their Dad this summer.

I slept in my own bed last night. The beds weren't too bad at camp, but they were a reminder of how nice my own bed is.

Lord, thank you for a nice soft bed in a climate controlled house.

I saw some really beautiful scenes on a nature walk with a friend. I was sad I didn't have my camera, but I did stop to enjoy them.

Lord, thank you for simple scenes of great beauty.

My kids missed me.

Lord, thanks for the relationship I have with my kids.

My husband "rescued" a German Shepherd while I was gone. It is living at my in-laws house.

Lord, thank you for having them love big dogs, because I'm just not up to one.

Someone really irritated me while we were competing at camp. I hate competition with a passion and really didn't enjoy that being at the camp set me up for it again and again. This lady is very competitive and aggressive when competing. So thankfully we didn't win, and neither did she and it hasn't gotten another word. We can get along fine as long as people don't pit us against each other.

Lord, thank you for the favor of losing and for the lesson learned, though I'll never understand why people think it's okay to say things in a competitive situation that would never fly otherwise.
I know, I know, I'm too sensitive. Sigh.

Thai Spice, Little miracles, and good clean fun

I signed the kids up for "Kids night out" tonight, not so much because I needed a night off, but because a) if I didn't they wouldn't meet the quota and have to cancel and my friend wouldn't get her hours and b) they feed the kids pizza before they take them swimming. It really is a great little program.
I was kind of bummed though because I didn't have anything to do, Joe is out of town, so I dressed up anyway and thought I'd take myself out to dinner at Thai Spice. I love their Beef Pad Woon Sen. I've been craving it for weeks, but when I tried to take the kids they were packed and we couldn't get in.
I got to work and dropped off the kids to find that my beloved boss and my dear employee were both finishing up for the night. Neither of them had plans as their husbands were with their kids doing daddy things so we gleefully went out to dinner together.
Not only was the food great, we laughed the whole time. I don't know how long it's been since I've had that much fun. It was just what I needed.

Lord, thank you for Thai Spice's great food, for the miracles of meeting my friends so fortuitously and getting a table on a Friday night, and for the good clean fun we had just being girls.

Ten times ten

Some one's husband left the church recently, and it came at a hard time for her, she really struggled with her own testimony. I'm so thankful that even though Joe has no interest in the Gospel my testimony is stronger than ever and I was able to tell her to cling to the things she knows are true and they will see her through the storm of doubts.

1. My testimony is strong.

Someone lost a baby recently, and no one ever seems to know how to react after a miscarriage. She feels so many things, and I ache with her. I'm on the other side of all that, and I long to pull her to this place where sure it hurts a bit, but that pain has made you better.

2. I have learned through my losses.

I see people who get a kick out of debate. They like to argue. I can't stand contention.

3. I am a peacemaker.

My talk on Eater Sunday went really well. I wasn't nervous and the spirit was strong as I shared the scriptures and my testimony of the Savior.

4. I love to share my love for the Savior.

The High Councilman who spoke after me is kind of a fan of my son. Apparently they spent some time sitting next to each other in Primary a few weeks back and the gentleman was impressed. James can be a handful, but I'm thankful that his testimony and keen grasp of Gospel concepts shines through.

5. God is part of my children's lives.

Osama Bin Laden is dead. I am relieved he can't hurt anyone anymore, but I do not feel joy at his death.

6. I see people as Children of God.

I get to teach art camp again this summer, pending enrollment. I can't wait to pass on the techniques that will give a voice to their creative energies.

7. I am a Teacher.

My kids hug pretty much every teacher they meet, every day. They hug people at work. They hug people at church.

8. My children carry on my tradition of loving people.

I talked to a friend who needed a listening ear.

9. I do the work of God, a little every day.

My husband is away, and I'm okay. Sure I miss him and sure I'll be happy to snuggle into his chest when he gets home, but I'm fine.

10. I am secure in who I am.

Ten things, from the past ten days, ten things that are blessings worth thanks times ten. I am so rich with blessings.

Thank you Lord for blessing me ten times ten.

Busy week, catching up

I have been so worn out all week so I've neglected this, which is bad because I was so blessed this week.

It's hard to separate the days right now. Let's see, where did I leave off? Oh Tuesday. Tuesday was my birthday. I got lots of calls and E-greetings. I went and painted faces in Jordan's class, then watched the "fairytale ball." That was a great way to spend the mid-day. (To bad I forgot my camera) I then went to dinner with Joe to a little place called Thai Spice. We BOTH enjoyed our meals very much. That NEVER happens. I can't believe we agree on a restaurant now. How crazy is that? I had beef Pad Woon Sen.

Lord, thank you for a wonderful birthday.

Wednesday Joe and Tali left for their Daddy-daughter trip. James and Jordan are very jealous, and so am I, but I'm happy they get to have this time. I went to work, picked up the kids, came home and got a nap before making dinner and heading for church. I taught the girls. One of them wasn't a member, one was inactive, and one was active. I told them we were doing "Our-skittles of Faith." I wrote the 13th Article of Faith on the board and numbered every one of the 68 words. Then I told them we were memorizing it. They didn't have to memorize the whole thing, but at the end of the hour they would get a skittle for every word they did remember. The non-member got 68. The other two got 40. The best part was that the active girl is ADD and even though she was twiddling and walking around with her back to the board she did SO WELL! That's a HARD one to learn!

Lord, thank you for such a good idea. I don't know why you bless me with them when I am so scatter-brained and do everything last minute, but I love that you get through to me. Oh and thank you for presenting me with the small service I could do a friend with 5 minutes on my sewing machine, too. Thank you for all she does for ME.

Thursday, I worked a double, with mad running in between the shifts. I went to the store after the second shift to get the Easter eggs, candy, and bags to cut into baskets for the next day. I was so frazzled, trying to get every thing to add up, 60 kids times 6 eggs, so that's this pack of eggs plus these, and this combination of candy. Finally the kids and I went to the paper bag aisle and grabbed 400 bags. You know, for the 400 eggs. Instead of the 60 kids... like I would have done if I hadn't been so frazzled.
I realised the error on my way home and laughed at myself the rest of the way. The kids didn't get it.
Then I was up until 1 or so stuffing candy in eggs while I watched a Bollywood movie. I love Bollywood.

Lord, thank you for being able to laugh at myself, and for clean musicals.

Friday was the egg hunts. I took the kids for the first one. It went very well. Then I dropped the kids off with my mother-in-law. She was getting Jordan to a birthday party while I worked the evening shift, and did another egg hunt. That too went well, better than expected, especially as I got a nap between shifts. The best part was I got to work with M, who found out the other day that I too LOVE those pink and white iced animal cookies and brought a bag for all of us to share. She is so fun to work with in the first place, but then, as I grabbed my purse to leave I discovered that she had wrapped up some more cookies and put them on my purse for me to take home. Where does the woman get her resources of thoughtfulness?
Then I came home and opened a thread on my board before bed. It's a positive thought thread, and this one popped in my head, "What cannot be done through love, cannot be done." Apparently it's an original, right from God, through me, and to someone on that thread who needed it. Again, with the blessings, He is so good to me.

Lord, thank you for being so present in my life.

Today I slept in, de-ticked and bathed my poor sweet puppy, started a laundry load of his bedding, and am having pink and white iced cookies for breakfast while my dog hovers near. He is so forgiving, so sweet, and so loyal.

Lord, thank you for my dog who was there to bark if I had needed warning last night and was so sweet while I groomed him this morning.

Talk assignment, and helpful husband

I get to give a talk next Sunday. I've acctualy been a bit sad because I hadn't spoken in MONTHS, so the Bishop must have gotten the message from the Holy Ghost. He also asked me to speak on a verse that caught my attention recently and I didn't have time to dedicate to it then, so this is a real treat!

Lord, thank you for the talk assignment.

I didn't sleep well last night. My dear husband told me to go back to bed, got up, got the kids up, fed them, got them ready for school, packed the lunches, and drove them to school.

Lord, thank you for his sweet service.

Beautiful prayers, and a miracle

The kids have been saying really beautiful prayers for famliy prayer lately. I'm so thankful that they are so aware of others and include them in thier prayers.

Someone I don't even know (from the board) went into the ER with bleeding today. She is only a few weeks along. She just posted that the ultrasound came back looking good. I cried of course.

Lord, thank you for the conversations my children have with you. Thank you for Missy's Miracle.

Prayer

Yesterday this time I was a mess. I've been getting ready to query an agent, and I want so badly for it to go well. I was getting more an more nervous the closer I got to being ready.
So I asked a friend in humor if it was wrong to fast to get my book published, and she said it wasn't, and she was going to pray for me anyway.
So I asked a few other friends for prayers, and prayed myself and I feel so very muc better. There is just the slightest twinge of nerves now. Not even what I feel getting up to speak in church.

Lord, thank you for this unforseen answer to my rather selfish prayer.

Zumba and fruit

I went to Zumba tonight with Tali. We were both red in the face and drenched in sweat when we got done, but we had fun. I love that I can learn new dance moves and call it exercise. I love that there is exercise fun enough my kid can get into it with me.

Lord, thank you for Zumba.

We just fly through fruit in this house. I buy so many bananas, apples, and oranges in a month that I really should have my own farm. I love that my kids like fruit and that I have it on hand for them to eat.

Lord, thank you for fruit, and that we live in a place where it is so readily available.

Patience

Tonight was a tough night. We managed, but it was rough. It's a terrible feeling when you can't console a little one. She was tired, and the room was noisey, and there just wasn't much more we could do. Then all at once the other children checked out, and she went to sleep right away.

I'm just thankful that I can handle it as long as I do. I wasn't always able to. I guess in a way patience is just knowing that it won't last forever and then doing what it takes to make it.

Lord, thank you for teaching me patience over the years.

Swapping kids

Some wards really discourage kids sitting with anyone beside their family during Sacrament Meeting. I can see the reasoning behind it, but I'm thankful that our ward isn't like that. Today my oldest sat with a famliy who just moved in the ward. She likes thier teenage girl. My son sat with his Primary teacher. My youngest sat on the same row as me, but was really sitting most of the time with "Grandma and Grandpa Bambarger" and "Aunt" Tanya. This left me free to help the Bishops wife with her kids. When I say help I mean steal the baby who was so excited to see me that I got THREE big slobbery open mouth kisses.

Lord, thank you so much for a ward that is like a famliy. Thank you for that little boy who brightens my Sundays. Thank you for a teacher who loves James. Thank you for getting to sub for the singing time leader. Thank you for today.

Catch up, again

This past weekend was General Conference. I love General Conference, and I hate that I never get to listen to all the sessions as they happen. Life gets in the way.

This time however, I really felt that God was telling me it was okay, that He understood.

After the Saturday Morning session I had to get my kids from my mother-in-laws, only to find out as I walked out the door that she needed me to do a bunch of things for her when I got there. So I changed into work clothes and went. I hemmed some curtains, mitered some wood for a window cornice, it wasn't much, it was just time consuming. I got to spend time with her husband though, and I don't get to do that often. He cracks me up because he says a lot without saying anything, and when I say exactly what he was thinking his eyes twinkle while we laugh.

Then I had to work right after the Sunday morning session. The parents of the only two kids that came picked up the kids early, so I cleaned and went to clock out. I was ready to leave when a co-worker from another area came to gossip with the front desk girl.

"You'll never guess what we found in the ball box outside the youth gym," he says as I hurry for the door, "A Mormon Bible." I stopped dead in my tracks. I inquired what he did with it, and discovered the person he had given it to had placed it on a shelf by the front desk. As I went to check the inside cover for a name he said he didn't know any Mormons.

I laughed and then ticked off four he knew, and still didn't list all the LDS people that have a connection to my work. (I don't know how he didn't know I was LDS. The missionaries are constantly telling me they tracted into yet another person who said, "Yeah I know a Mormon, Thora is one.")

This opened up a great opportunity for me though, because I was able to have pleasant, long conversations with both him and the front desk girl about the church. I don't know if anything will come of it, but it was a rare treat to be able to answer questions in an area where there is a lot of anti stuff built into the curriculums of other churches.

It's hard, emotionally, for me to work on Sunday, especially when I have to miss Conference to do it, but it was like God was sending me a message that he understands and will bless my efforts because he knows my heart is in the right place.

Lord, thank you for blessing me so abundantly when my should's aren't happening and letting me know that my best is good enough. Thank you for giving me that time with someone who may not be around much longer. Thank you that somehow, someway, you've made me into a person who isn't a complete embarrassment to the church. Thank you for the calm nerves and the open hearts. Thank you for believing in me.

Oh and also, thank you for the new stainless steel, lighted hanging pot rack that Joe hung for today me for my upcoming birthday. I don't know how many angels you had to send to get him to remember I have wanted one for years, but I love it, and I love all the work he put into putting it up for me.

Sara

I'm far too tired to think back and write the things I'm thankful for over the last few days, so I'm going to get to the important one. One day over seven years ago a new girl came to my Internet board, and we hit it off. I would never have guessed how much she would mean to me, or how much we would go through with each other. Sometimes I wonder why she puts up with me, she does so much to get me back on track sometimes, and I'm not as good of a friend as she is. I'm so thankful I have her. Lord, Thank you for Sara and for the special bond that we share on a level so many wouldn't understand. Happy Birthday Sara love.

My mom

I'm sitting here trying to write a query letter to send in to literary agents. I seem to have no trouble turning out 70k+ words, I've done that four times, but this one page query letter is much harder. The dread is almost paralyzing. It's times like these I'm thankful for my mom. You see, she taught me to sew, she taught me how to change the oil, she taught me to use my nose when seasoning food, but most of all she taught me that I can do anything I set my mind to. Then she proved the validity of her belief to me by setting her own lofty goals and then reaching them. So, I'm going to keep writing until I get it right, because I can do this, I have all the talent and tenacity it takes. Lord, thank you for my mom. (Happy Birthday Mom)

Moments of sanity

It's been a crazy day. In between all the rushing and working I had several little windows of quiet time with people I care about. I'm thankful for those moments. Lord, thank you for those moments and the love that was felt in them.

Misting

That's what I call it when the raindrops are so teeny-tiny that they don't seem to be falling, but kind of hang there instead. It's not really mist, but it's pretty close, and I love the way it feels to walk through it. It's not plop, plop, plop or even pitter, pitter, it's a million tiny cold wet kisses all landing on your skin. Lord, thank you for misting.

Little things

I'm not feeling the least bit deep today. I'm barely awake at my keyboard, but I'm running late on the posts, again, so here goes. I'm thankful for Terro Ant bait, because it really works. I'm thankful for my single pair of sweats, because as much as I would like to look great all the time there are times I don't give an ant's mandible what I look like, and sweats are nice to have at those times. I'm thankful for my new blue sheets, I think they are pretty. Lord, thank you for the little things, but mostly for getting me through the evening. Goodnight.